Book of Stories: UPDATE Vol. Six Feet Away

Dlouho, dlouho, dlouho jsem zvažoval, které Book of Stories by měly přijít na řadu po Book of Stories Vol. 1, Book of Stories Vol. 2, Book of Stories Vol. 3 a Book of Stories Vol. 4. Nakonec jsem z nepřeberného množství kandidátů vybral

Vím, že u každé nové BoS píšu něco ve stylu BEST ONE YET. Vždycky to také platí. První díl byl kvalitní a každý další o něco lepší. V tomto trendu pokračuju – pětka a šestka nabízí handpicked vypiplané příběhy z posledních několika ročníků Bee’s Knees English Social Club.

ÚVODNÍ SLOVO

In the mid-90s, the internet was barely a thing and I was barely a person. So, we went well together. I devoured every text I could get my hands on. I’d read the same stories over and over again, religiously: early blogs, celebrity profiles, movie transcripts, interviews, you name it.

I would read something and then reread it and then read it one more time. And then I kept returning to it. I did it because I loved to read and I loved the English language. I read to improve my English. I read to get inspiration for my own classes. I read for the sheer joy of seeing English at work. I couldn’t get enough of that stuff.

Recently, I went back into my personal archive to see if any of those stories would jog my memory. Now, I haven’t gone back to them in almost 30 years. By all rights, I should have no memory of them. Wrong. I open a random story and I’m immediately transported back in time. I also realize to what extent I still draw on these texts. I’ll see a turn of phrase and I’ll be like, Oh my God, I use that phrase all the time! So this is where I got it from!

Okay, why am I telling you this? Well, those stories turbocharged my English like no textbook ever had or would. And they weren’t even designed to do that! They were very imperfect in that regard. They contained tons of fluff, overly formal expressions, phrases no native speaker would ever use in casual conversation. And I had no way of knowing that—I had to figure it all out for myself. So I spent the next few years making sense of what I’d absorbed, separating the wheat from the chaff, discarding whatever did not pass the muster. Worked out great for me. So, y’know, no complaints.

Still, you know what would have worked even better? I’ll tell you what would have worked even better. Here’s what would have worked even better. What would have worked even better is if I’d had a f***ing Book of Stories is what would have worked even better. But here’s the thing: there was no Book of Stories back then. So, since I didn’t get to learn from a Book of Stories, I did the next best thing: I wrote one. (Well, six. So far.) To paraphrase an old song: Ain’t I sweet?

NOTES

1. Some of these stories originated in the 1990s. As a result, there’s talk of videotapes and landlines and DVDs and whatnot — things that will not make much sense to people born after 2000. People born after 2000, deal with it.

2. One thing I like about these stories is the variety of English you’ll find in them. Each story strikes a slightly different tone. Some are more on the formal side, others are very colloquial, most are somewhere in between. “Oh no! How shall I distinguish between the many tones?” — “I don’t know, man. Cope.”

3(a). Keep in mind that each of the highlighted bits has been highlighted for a reason. The reason may not immediately reveal itself to you, but trust me, there is one. (All right, I’ll level with you: I’m not overly confident in your grasp of this grammar / turn of phrase. Yes, yours, specifically.)

3(b). There are a lot of highlights. Very very many. Often, there’s more highlighted text than non-highlighted text. This may lead you to think I’m overreaching. If that’s the case, close the book and try to recount the last story you have read. See how many of the highlighted bits you’ve actually used. Then, and only then, get back to me.

4. Sometimes you’ll be three or four paragraphs into a story and you’ll have no idea what’s going on. There’s a nifty trick that allows you to figure it out. Keep reading.

BoS 6: TABLE OF CONTENTS

A Good Kid
Tommy’s Got a Plane
Eels Like Home
The Little Goalie of Mine
Almost Drafted
Gyros, Giants, Gatorade
The Haunted Garden
What’s It Like To Get Married in Poland
Oliver’s Temper
The Nurse That Called 911
Middle of Nowhere
How I Broke My Mother’s Heart
Beware Of Wet Hornets
Drawing On Water
Rigged
New Year’s Resolutions
Knife Try, Man
Valentine’s Day
There’s a Hole Where My Brain Should Be
Old Tennis Racket
Everything Is Cool
How Not to Throw a Game
Man Hit by Bus, Man Declared Moron
Operation Bongo
Leaving Cobble Hill
Everybody Has a Plan
My Dad’s Boat
The Adventures of Pirate Joe
Love: Keeping Tabs
Things I Wish I’d Known When Starting Out
Running to Stand Still
The Gringo Hunters
Bobby Sings the Blues
The Last Haircut
Front Row Seat to Murder
Pepsi vs John Leonard
Xmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis
My Strawberry Girl
That’s Russians for You
Stairway from Hell
Great Balls of Brass
No Peaking
Am I Your Type?
FDR to Ship: WTF?
Love, Chanel
To The Morons I Encounter Every Day
The Little Farm on the Prairie
Quiet Perseverance
Do. Not. Ask. About. The. Jewels.
Shooting Adjacent
Wii Will Wii Will (Rock You)
School’s Out
Winning Over Claire
The Journey of a Jobless Man
What the Hell Is Water?
Jaywalkers & Cranky Neighbors
Won’t You Please Come to Chicago
How Pushcart Tony Made Good
The Case of a Basketball Player
Good Cop Dad Cop
Who Held the Horses?
Alone Together
Like Two Ships Passing In The Night
My Little Room
Defending Eduardo
Etiquette Rules
The Day My Dad Didn’t Show Up
What Comes Back In Must Go Back Out
A Day at the Museum
She’s Leaving Home
The Thrill Of Sport
Pants vs Zombies